Warning: this post is pretty long!
Have you ever had that feeling where it seemed like everything you ever
wanted was right in front of you, but it didn’t feel how you imagined? I don’t
know; it may be a career, university, car, soul mate, money, or maybe even just
one of your unrealistic dreams. It’s that feeling where no matter how much you
yearned for it, that one thing still felt like it wasn’t enough. You painted a
picture in your head about how it would make your heart jump for joy, your
spirit would leap with expression, your soul would flee with gratitude, your
mind would burst with creativity, and your life would be bound with fulfilment…
but it just didn’t turn out that way- or so you thought!
For me, it was Peace Corps. I wanted it sooo bad! Volunteering has been
a major part of my life, so Peace Corps only made sense. Graduating college, I
wanted nothing more than to serve as a volunteer in Africa and continue doing
service work that brought value, pleasure, and meaning to my life. Yet, here I
am 6 months later in the Dominican Republic standing in the presence of one my
dreams with the willingness to walk away from it. It’s not how I anticipated:
the feel, look, smell, and taste are all different. I imagined I’d be spending
my free time listening to stories from the village matriarch and learning to
play the drums; instead, I’m drinking piña coladas on the beach and playing
dominoes. I had dreams of the way the dirt would feel; how I would never
actually master a local language, but I’d feel right at home; dreams of the
piercing West African sun burning my back; and how I’d smile while I’m sleeping
because I had a rewarding day. But when your reality doesn’t match your vision,
you feel unsatisfied.
People always ask me why I joined the Peace Corps and it’s such a hard
thing to explain. At this age, there is nothing else I wanted to do. Of course,
I could’ve gone to medical school and spent the next 7 years with sleepless
nights or I could’ve joined my other friends doing Teach for America. That just
wasn’t enough for me. I’m always on a quest for finding life enrichment through
experiences and the service of others. The next question I get is: What do you
do in the Peace Corps? To be honest, I thought that by this time I would have a
more satisfying response. However, since I don’t- I just tell the truth: ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING! I walk around all day eating a ton of food, gaining an increasingly
amount of weight, sipping loads of coffee, eating fruit, drinking diabetic
shocked juice, learning a jacked up dialect of Spanish I could learn buying
chips in a New York bodega, chilling under trees having the same conversations
with women, and playing 100 hands of Uno with my 11 year old best friends. Sometimes
there's a couple funerals in there, and I might be lucky to squeeze in a
wedding- just to return home at night to poop my brains out in plastic bags.
You can probably imagine the disappointment I felt.
6 days ago I was ready to quit! I had no expectations for serving as a
volunteer in the DR because the Caribbean was never a part of my plans. My only
hope for everything I embark on is that I find significance and passion in it.
Last week Wednesday was my breaking point- every sense of meaning, desire, and happiness
I found in my service suddenly escaped me. I felt as though I was wasting my
life and that it would in fact be a disservice to my community by staying there
to provide hopeless projects that don’t solve poverty and the spread of
disease. I rambled about how I’m too creative to limit myself to futile and basic
programs that 50 other people are doing. I was so over it! You know when you
just get so frustrated with something you have no control over and the only
thing you can do is cry for 15 seconds. Yup, that was me! I wanted to pack my
bags and leave on the next plane, but somewhere deep down in the back of my
mind, or maybe it was my heart, told me that I didn’t want to leave at all. I
realized that I just needed to rediscover and reestablish purpose.
It would be so easy to look around and feel sorry, dirty, and disgusted
by the poverty I live in or I can take a dump in a pringles can, laugh about
it, and then have a story to tell later. It's about learning to live and
experiencing life in a way I'd never have the opportunity to do so in another
setting; and relishing in the culture and values of a country, even if that
means walking around looking crazy all day. It's about saying and doing stupid things
just to make yourself laugh when you feel like crying; and learning so much
about yourself just from sitting in a room thinking or watching the way you
respond to situations. It's literally about finding true contentment in who you
are and not what you have while at the same time trying your hardest to
positively contribute to someone's life even if it's only with your presence;
yet, still reminding yourself that in giving you must receive and grow into a
different person as well.
We all have those things that we want more than others, but I think it’s
important to appreciate them how they are given. You may have your dream car,
but it doesn’t drive as fast as you saw in the commercial; you may have the
(wo)man of your dreams, but they don’t love you as much as you love them; you
may be seated in the highest position of your dream career, but it still feels
like something is missing. It seems like the “something” that you have is “nothing”.
We can dream big, wild, gratifying dreams, but we are not in control of how
life works out the details.
I have everything I wanted, and it still felt worthless! I’m here to
tell you, that’s a lie! Everything has a purpose, even if you pause for a
second and can’t remember it. Nothing you do is valueless when you’ve invested
your life in something that outlasts you. Things may appear trivial and
insignificant, but that’s only because you’ve experienced or hoped for better. Nevertheless,
if you take another glance at it, you’ll see that it has purpose and if it
doesn’t benefit you, it can surely help someone else. Whenever you find
yourself in that space between your dream and your reality and you have a
moment or feeling of nothingness, remember that your nothing is always worth
something!
